Who wants a pair of shoes?

My foot hurts.

Yes, my foot is still broken, but I had been wearing my flip flops, or actually, FitFlops and my foot felt fine. It didn't bother me to walk and these flip flops were really comfortable.

Today, I decided to wear my sneakers. These aren't the ones that I work out in, they are my "everyday shoes." Well, my foot hurt. A lot. Come to think of it, these are the shoes that really made my foot flare up when I decided to go to the doctor.

Hhhmm.

I think I need to get rid of these shoes. In the meantime, I'm wearing the flip flops and hoping my foot is better. I'm afraid I might get a boot on my foot very soon. Needless to say, I'm going to take it easy today, in hopes that I don't mess my foot up more, and work out tomorrow instead.

Week in Review

I'll make it short and sweet this week...

Weigh-in
Last week: 241 lbs.
Today: 242.5 lbs.
1.5 lb gain :( That's okay, hopefully just a fluke and next weeks numbers are better.
Total loss: 3.5 lbs.

Food
What can I say? I didn't eat great - but I didn't eat as terrible as I could have. I've been slacking on the water intake, but I'm still relatively caffeine free, except for the occasional tea. I need to remember to eat veggies during the day and not try to cram them in at night with dinner.

Exercise
I only worked out 4 times this week!! Monday and Wednesday were cardio/weight training days. Tuesday and Saturday (yes, SATURDAY!) were cardio days. I did all of my cardio on a stationary bike and this week I decided to split it between the 2 types of stationary bikes: the upright and the recumbent bike. My butt can handle sitting on the upright for only so long.

Sleep
Consistency, consistency, consistency. I went to bed before midnight all week, and even managed to turn off the tv by 10:30 pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

For the upcoming week
Food - Fruits and veggies throughout the day, not just at night.
Exercise - I was able to fit in an extra day. Thursday and Fridays are just hard to do, but I can compromise and do weekends, right? I wanna do 5 days this week!
Sleep - Keep trying to go to bed earlier. I can't say it any other way. :)

Happy Sunday!

Week in Review

Weigh-in
Last week: 243 lbs.
Yesterday: 241 lbs.
2 lb loss!!
Total loss: 5 lbs.

Food
Having groceries at home makes it so much easier to make better decisions. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a cookie with my milk when I'm wanting something sweet, or a weekly treat of frozen custard. Breakfast was really good this week - cereal, eggs, or a bagel - a banana, and milk. Lunch was pretty good - sandwiches, leftovers, one day I had Chick-fil-A but that was food provided for a lunch meeting. I brought my food most of the week but I also had Subway one day. Dinner - I ate out a few times this week but part of it was a dinner for friends who are moving away. I did make an effort to have a salad with my dinner every night with low calore italian dressing. I have to make a conscious effort to eat fruits and veggies and I had read somewhere that eating a salad a day was a good way to add more veggies. Otherwise, I mostly just tried to watch my portions. Drank water, milk, OJ, and tea all week.

Exercise
I only worked out 3 times this week: Monday and Thursday were cardio/weight training days. Tuesday was cardio day. I did all of my cardio on a stationary bike and this week it was all about staying on and despite hating it, continue doing it.

Sleep
I started my week off okay, but towards the end of the week, I was just not hacking it. It especially got bad Friday night when we planned to go to the IMAX 45 min away and ran into car trouble and ended up going to the late, late show and didn't make it back into town until 5 AM. So, needless to say that yesterday was totally messed up in terms of sleeping. This week shouldn't be as bad.

For the upcoming week
Food - I want to continue doing what I did last week, since it seems to be working alright. I'm making an effort of eating more fruits and veggies.
Exercise - My workouts feel good, as much as I hate the bike. I'm going to aim for at least 4 days this week and if I happen to find an additional day - great, if not, that's something for next week. :)
Sleep - I'm going to try to turn off the tv no later than 10:30 pm every night. It's going to "hurt" when I want to watch my recorded "So You Think You Can Dance?" when I get home and it's too late, but tough. I do fine during the beginning of the week when my shows aren't on - yes, I watch a lot of tv - but towards the end, I stay up to watch everything. I'm gonna work on it.

Happy Sunday!

The bike will not win.

I hate doing any exercise for 60 minutes.

I do 60 minutes cardio at least 2 times a week (for the moment) and I always switch it up.

• 60 minutes split evenly between treadmill/elliptical/bike
• 60 minutes split between treadmill/bike or elliptical bike
• Uneven split between treadmill/bike/elliptical

All of this just serves to keep me entertained while I'm working out.  (I get bored easily.)  It also allows me to work my butt of on each for X amount of time, stop, go get a drink of water, and then start on something else and work my butt off - again.  But as any of you who have been reading, I've got a stress fracture on my left foot and the doctor has forbidden me from all forms of cardio (including long-distance walking) except for the stationary bike.  

I'm not a big fan of the stationary bike.

After the doctor's recommendations, I immediately hated the stationary bike.  Of all the things to "allow" me to do, the bike?  Why not the treadmill - which I can switch up for an hour no problem?Well, I can't change anything now, and I surely don't want a boot put on my leg.  So I biked Monday for 30 minutes before doing some weightlifting.  Not bad, I'd done this before as well.

Yesterday was going to be the test.  60 minutes of cardio depended on it.  I got on, not excited about the programming on tv - baseball, I hate watching baseball on tv.   The first 30 minutes were no problem - I've done that before.  By 40 minutes, I was ready to quit.  So, I started playing games - when a hit was made, I'd pedal like crazy for 15 seconds.  (also made the game more interesting)  By 50 minutes, I didn't think I could sit on the seat any longer - my butt was very sore!  But by 55 minutes, I was counting down!!!  I got a surge of energy and pedaled away.  I finished my 60 minutes.  Monitor said 12 miles.  Yeah!

My spirit will not be broken, even if my foot is.

Mizfit, you are so right - no more negative talking, especially now. (I went back and reread my post and decided to... do away with a lot of that negativeness. Thanks!)

Yep, if you've read my Week in Review, which I posted late, you'll see that my foot is broken. In order to prevent getting a boot - which will be absolutely useless in driving a stick shift - I have to take it easy.

I've been given permission to do my daily routine, but I've been forbidden to even think about walking long distances, run - at all, or jog - at all. Let's hope no one comes chasing me in the next few weeks!

This is a serious bummer, because I've been trying to get myself back into running. I love running and I feel thinner just doing it. I'm also a calorie whore. I want to do the exercises that burn the most calories and running is one of those for me. I went onto this calories burned estimator and these are the results for 30 min at my weight: 243 lbs.

Activity	Calories burned
Stationary Bicycle - moderate	386
Elliptical Trainer	627
Jogging	386
Running 12 mph	1,232

Although I can't run 12 mph yet, I know that I burn more calories doing something between running and jogging. I can do 30 min - even longer - but I normally switch it out with stationary bike and elliptical because I think it uses different muscles and I can tell that I work out differently.

Even so, it is what it is and all I can do is make the best of this situation. Stationary bicycle is a challenge for me to do for long periods of time, but that just means I can improve with it. I will try to devise some interval training amongst other stuff to make it more interesting. Besides, now I have another goal for myself. 60 min on the bike. That's a long time for me so that's the first thing to tackle. Then I can tackle speed, and distance. :) I'm just going to have to ignore the calories and know that they will follow once I get stronger on the bike.

At least my doctor didn't take away the stationary bike too.

Week in Review

Thanks for the encouragement Chubby Chick and Mizfit! I did good this week! :)

Weigh-in
Last week: 245 lbs.
Yesterday: 243 lbs.
2 lb loss!!

Food
I feel good about heading in the right direction. I bought groceries and managed to stock up on some good stuff. Breakfast was good - mostly Raisin Bran with skim milk and a banana for breakfast. Lunch - not bad. I brought my food all week, either a sandwich with carrot sticks, or leftovers. I also brought an apple and some cheese (pepper jack, my favorite!) for snacks. Dinner - I ate out 1 time but I cooked at home otherwise. Thursday is "Wings" night and though we normally don't go get wings anymore, we still go out. I've been planning for this now and I just try to get something that's a little "healthier" than my usual. Even if I get something greasy (which I still like to eat) I just try to watch my portions. Got frozen custard a few times but this is not usually the case, I usually only go once a week. Drank water and milk all week - no tea since my labmates are both out of town and I had no one talking me into going to Starbucks for a break.

Exercise
I went to work out 4 times this week! Yeah! I tried to do the whole 30 min in the morning/30 min at night thing - did not work. BUT, I went Monday and Wednesday night: 30 min cardio/ 30-40 min weights. I went Tuesday MORNING and worked out for an hour doing cardio. This may be really good time to go since the gym is practically empty after 7 AM. We'll see how I get up in the morning. And, I went to work out on Friday doing about 40 min of cardio.

Sleep
I'm still having some trouble sleeping, but I think it's starting to get better. I've slept on average 6-7 hours a night, but I could still use some consistency.

For the upcoming week
This week, I'm just going to try to keep everything up.
Food - I did better this week and I hope to do the same this coming week. I'm about to go get some more carrots since I ran out and some more salad and get ready for a new week. Drinking water has been so much nicer with the new Brita Pitcher I bought. I actually taste the difference and I like the taste of my water a lot more now. :)
Exercise - I did better last week, I'm going to try to keep it up. Surprise, surprise. I finally went to the doctor about my foot. Wednesday night I went jogging and Thursday morning it hurt to walk from the parking lot to the chemistry building. I had to stop, let the pain subside, and then keep walking. NOT GOOD. Well, turns out I have the beginnings of a stress fracture in my left foot. This means no more treadmill or elliptical. I can't even do walking for distance. I can, however, ride a stationary bike. That's it. So, all my cardio for the next few weeks is stationary bike. I'm not one to stick to one particular exercise - I usually do all three during my cardio - so this will be... different. Otherwise, if in a week my foot feels worse I'm getting a boot. I can't have that, so it's only biking for me. Weights are okay, so I'll keep doing that.
Sleep - Consistency. I've been getting into my book and that just means I need to go to bed earlier. I'm hoping to go to bed by 10:30 PM and go to sleep by 11 PM every night.

Have a great weekend!

Week in Review

I've been bad this week.

Weigh-in
Starting: 246 lbs.
Today: 245 lbs.
Not much difference, but it's in the right direction! And considering my week - yay!

Food
Again, I was bad this week in this area all around. I was okay with breakfasts all week. Lunch, well, I brought my food twice but ended up buying something the rest of the week. I ate Subway (roast beef sub) and tuna salad on wheat and then I had... TACO BELL. :( Drank water, tea, milk all week, no sodas! :) Dinner was worse. I bought take out every night, using the excuse that I had no groceries and had nothing to eat at home.

Exercise
This week, I only worked out twice. I know, I know. I was supposed to do 3 and try to increase to 4. No such luck. My ankle started hurting really bad on Wednesday - not too sure why, but I'm sure my attempt to run on Tuesday was to blame. So, I took Wednesday off to recuperate. The rest of the week, I had stuff going on at night that prevented I chose to do instead of working out.

Sleep
I have been sleeping terribly since last week. I guess it didn't help that we went out Saturday night to celebrate someone's Ph.D. defense going well. (Way to go M!) Drank too much, stayed up til 2:30 AM. All I have to say is that I don't usually drink and this event wore me out. I think the alcohol triggered my insomnia, but I'm not sure. I'll look it up and let you know what I find out. I tried going to bed by 11 PM all week, but between reading my book, my a/c going out (I can't sleep when I'm hot and sweaty), and insomnia, I slept on average 5-6 hours a night. Not good.

For the upcoming week
Next week, I'm trying to revamp everything.
Food, eat better for sure. I already went grocery shopping so that I can't use the "I don't have food at home..." excuse. Bought tons of fruit, veggies, lunch stuff and other things much better for me than eating out. :) I also bought a new Brita Pitcher the green pitcher(!!) so that I can drink even more water and fill it for during the day. Just so you know, I bought it at Target for $5 off, and it came with a $5 gift card to Target. If you visit the website you can register to receive a $5 coupon for the pitcher and a $1 coupon for the filters. Okay, back to me.
Exercise. I need to go to the gym more consistently and I've been devising a plan. I think I'm going to do a revised version of my workouts from 2005. In the morning. I know, I don't want to get up early. Yet. So, for the meantime, I'm going to go 3o minutes every morning (M-F) which shouldn't be a huge problem because I normally get up at 7 AM but I waste time and don't get around to getting ready until 8 AM. You heard me right, 30 minutes everyday. That will give me no excuse not to work out everyday, but this won't be all. I still enjoy my workouts on M-W nights, so, I will work out then as well. In order to not overdo it, I will do cardio Tuesday night for 30 min but weights on Monday and Wednesday. This will bump my workout time for the week from 3 - 60 min workouts to 8 - 30 min workouts. Basically adding my 4th workout for the week, but spreading the time out. Then, I can start increasing times, doing more in the morning if I get in the habit of getting up earlier, and switch it up more. Right now, I need more workout time and more consistency. The last post really made me realize that I like working out period. In the morning, in the evening, I just do. We'll see how this works out.
Sleep. I just need to force myself to go to bed and shut off the tv. My goal will again be to go to bed by 10:30 PM and go to sleep by 11 PM.

Have a great weekend!

What a week!

I've let this week get the better of me, I'll explain tomorrow.

Back in 2005, I managed to lose 60 lbs just by drinking water, sleeping well, watching portions, and working out 5-6 days a week. Just. Like it was that easy... Actually, it didn't feel as hard as it does now. I had a roommate at the time that worked out every morning. At 5:30 AM. After a few months of hearing her leave early in the morning for the gym, I finally decided to ask her a huge favor. "Wake me up in the morning before you leave." You see, I am notorious for not wanting to get up in the morning. I always have, but I hate it. If someone talks to me however, I have to think in order to respond, so it wakes me up. So that's what I did. She'd talk to me for a few minutes on her way out and I would wake up (slowly), change, and follow her to the gym. After a month or so, I would hear her door open and I'd already be up. I devised my own workout plan. It consisted of mostly cardio, but I threw in a couple of weight training sessions every week, which also involved a simple ab workout and back exercises (I think they were called "Good Mornings" but I'm not sure.) I have weak core muscles and a bad back, and I was carrying a lot of weight. Anyway, it caught on and I was losing about 10 lbs a month at the height of my working out. I was doing great, but then I started writing my thesis for my Master's and I couldn't get up in the morning, I couldn't sleep, and I stopped working out. I gained all that weight back.

These last few weeks, I've been talking about working out at night and how I was surprised I'd like it so much. But I've been slacking this week, and only fit in a couple of workouts so far. I'm going to the movies tonight (Watching the new Batman flick!!!) so I know I won't workout. So I'm starting to rethink my plan of action.

Working out in the morning

I loved, LOVED, working out in the morning. John left a comment that he loves working out at 5:30 AM. You may think it is crazy, but what a way to start off your day?

• I didn't have a good excuse not to get it done. I could get it "out of the way," which is how I thought of it at first, but then it became my first priority. It turned into my favorite way to wake up and I felt so much more awake throughout the day.
• My nights were free to socialize, study, or catch up on some tv time.
• I also didn't have to worry about forgetting my clothes or mp3 player or anything else because I was coming from home.
  
• It forced me to eat breakfast, since I was always so hungry afterward. Because I'd worked out, it also made greasy breakfast food not sound so tasty so I would reach for a bowl of cereal. (I'm from Texas, so egg and chorizo always sounds so good, but it's really, really greasy!)
  
• I didn't have to take multiple showers in a day. Need I say more?
• It forced me to go to bed early because I knew I was getting up at 5:30 AM. None of this staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning. If I didn't go to bed early, I was going to drag the next day.
  

Working out at night

Now, I have 2 precious dogs - Chiquita ("little one") and Scrappy - that I have to feed, take on walks, and spend time with. I'm still not sleeping great and I'm still getting used to working out. Working out at night has been surprisingly nice.

• I get my day done and then I have time for me. Working out is such a nice way to relax at nights. I zone out during my runs (or anything cardio) and I just... relax. I leave feeling so peaceful and open-minded about everything going on.
• I can work out as long as I want - as long as I get to the gym early enough. If I get to the gym at 8 pm and I want to work out until 10 pm, then I do. There are no worries about coming in late to lab, or being in at a certain time, or taking too long to get ready afterwards.
• No after-dinner snacking. I've been really bad about snacking at night. Something about watching tv at night that I just crave bad food. Working out takes that time out and I end up forgetting I was "hungry."
• I am tired at night so I tend to go to bed about an hour after I get home. Some minor reading, play with the dogs while I'm in bed, and then I'm out.
• An evening shower is nice before bed.
  
• My dogs really love their after-workout walk around the complex which I use as a cool down.

The Conclusion

Well, for me, it seems as though both work well. Working out at night has been hindered some by my socializing. Random things get planned on a Tuesday and then there goes my workout. Morning workouts are bit hard now that I have the dogs because I have to take them out and I feel bad that I'm constantly in and out of the house. That, and my sleep pattern is still inconsistent. I think my lesson through even writing about this is that I don't have to pick all mornings or all nights as long as I work out. I think I am going to do an experiment this coming week, but I'll tell you more tomorrow, when I have it sketched out better.

By the way, when do you prefer to workout?

Week in Review

This is when I will really be tested... Life is back to "normal." No more exams, no more cramming, just research, research, research.

Food
This week has been pretty good I think. I packed my lunch 4 days out of the week and 3 of those days consisted of a sandwich with carrot sticks and celery. I ate out for lunch once. I ate out for dinner twice. I ate breakfast everyday - I can't function without it. I did not have any sodas this week, drank tons of water, juice (made from only fruit concentrate), unsweetened tea, and milk. Snacking could have been better, ate a candy bar once and had corn chips at work, but I also had salsa (homemade) and chips at home.

Exercise
So far, I've worked out 3 days this week - Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Monday and Wednesday were 60 min. cardio and Tuesday was 20 min. cardio with and then weights afterwards. Thursday nights and Friday nights are hard days to work out, since these are the most "social" days of the week for me. I've really enjoyed working out at night. This is typically my snacking time, so if I'm working out, I'm not eating. I get back by 10 pm, take the dogs out for a walk (again) and on a good night, go to bed. I want to work out a minimum of 4 days a week, ideally 5-6 days a week. This will either force a Sunday workout, which I'm usually not a fan of doing, or morning workouts on Thursday and Friday.

Sleep
I know what you're thinking, sleep? Why does it matter how much sleep she got this week? Well, all I know is that lack of sleep really messes with me. I can't get up in the morning, I get really unmotivated to do anything, and it becomes easier for me to be lazy and not work out. I know I'm getting enough sleep when I wake up before my alarms. Yes, you heard that right, alarms. I've been known to turn off alarms, go back to sleep, and then get mad that the alarm did not wake me up. I have to have multiple alarms to make sure I get up in the morning and if I need all the alarms, I'm usually pretty cranky. Well, this week, I didn't do too well. I was sleeping really well when I was studying for my exams mostly because I wasn't watching tv. I would turn on the radio, study, and go to bed. If I have the tv on, I tend to zone in on the tv. I end up wasting time in the morning before school, I stay up late at night just to watch "5 more minutes!" of a show, and I go to bed late. This week, I got to watch tv and I stayed up late almost every night. On top of that, I've been reading my book, so I stay up even later trying to finish a chapter.

For the upcoming week:
Food - Keep packing a lunch, something simple and hopefully with fruit and/or vegetables. I need to make better choices when I eat out for dinner and watch my portions.
Exercise - 3 days is good for me, let's try at least 4 days this coming week. I like alternating cardio with weights, so I'll keep that up. Ankle has been hurting, so I need to be careful not to run too much. Biking and elliptical don't seem to hurt at all.
Sleep - I'm going to aim to go to bed no later than 11 pm this week. Read a chapter and then go to bed. If I'm really into the story, go to bed earlier.

Have a great rest of weekend everyone! I'll start posting my weigh-ins next weekend.

What is your biggest health/fitness vice?

I've been tagged by Johnny at Fat Guy in a Little Coat!

My biggest health/fitness vice... well, same as Johnny, it doesn't include drinking, smoking, or drugs. I drink occasionally and at most no more than 2 drinks. I don't enjoy getting drunk and I don't think I ever really did... I smoked a pack's worth of cigarettes with a friend over the course of a summer when I was 18. Never again. It was a dirty (smelly) habit and I was happy to give it up. Drugs? Well, I never had an interest and was fortunate enough to find friends who thought the same. We figured we were weird enough without the drugs.

That leaves me with the following:

1. Priorities. I wrote a post about it not too long ago here. What it all boils down to is that I don't make working out, eating well, and taking care of myself a priority - well, I haven't before and even just a couple of weeks ago when I was working on my candidacy. I stress out and lose sight of everything and I end up with tunnel vision on the exam, thesis, or whatever is coming up or needs to be done and I forget, I mean ignore, that I was trying to lose weight to begin with. Eating becomes whatever I can find that is most convenient, which of course means fast food most of the time. Workouts... well, they become non-existent since I tell myself I have no time.

I'm still working on it. Right now, I almost have to force myself to go workout sometimes, like last night. I was all set to watch "So you think you can dance?" and saw the clock and the fact that the gym closes at 10 pm. The show is over at 10 pm. Fortunately, I have tivo and I ended up recording the show, going to work out at 8:30 pm, made it back by 9:45 pm, walked the dogs, and got comfortable on the couch to watch the show (without commercials!!). Did it hurt not to watch it live? Of course not, but it took a little convincing on my part to not want to be lazy and just watch tv.

2. Snacking. Even during the easiest of times I can get sidetracked. I tend to snack at night. I don't know if it's the random tv shows or the fact that I'm being lazy, but I start wanting whatever I have in my fridge. Unless I have exactly what I want, I end up eating whatever else I have in the fridge. I may have had the best eating day in the world... but I can and often do ruin it at night. I tend to want mostly bread and cheese, and occasionally chips and dip. I've also figured out there is a bigger likelihood of snacking if I stay up past 10 pm.

I've found ways to fight it off, even if it's only sometimes.

I try not to keep junk in the apartment - no sodas (I've only had ONE coke since I quit caffeine!) and limited chips, dip, etc. Doesn't always help, but it's a start.

Since I know that I snack at night, I like working out at night. I work up a sweat, I'm doing something I should be doing, and by the time I get home, I'm usually not hungry or in the mood to eat.

Also, I try to go to bed early. Early bedtimes are awesome because I usually end up reading a couple of chapters in my book (currently: The Gunslinger by Stephen King - awesome!!!) and of course, I find that I have an easier time waking up and I'm not as tired during the day.

Now... let me see who's read my blog... (checking comments) Okay, 5 different people - wow! I feel popular ;)

Since Johnny tagged me - I can't tag him back, right? So, that leaves the other 4 people who have commented on a post:

mizfit
Supple Mama
justtoofat
takeupyourbedandwalk

If you haven't been tagged, and you feel you want to post a response, leave me a comment and I'll check it out! (and feel better that more than 5 people read this blog)

What a great weekend

This has been one of the most relaxing weekends in a long time.

I spent the Fourth of July cleaning all day - trust me, my apartment needed it - and the night with friends hanging out. Saturday was spent cleaning again - told you my apartment needed it - and I was able to watch random tv and bad movies that I tivo-ed months ago. Today... I'll admit it, I did nothing productive. I made breakfast. I went to church. I taught Sunday school (only 3 kids!). Came home and made lunch. Watched tv with my dogs.

That's it. That's it!

I haven't had a chance to have a weekend like this in so long! I'm hoping that this will just re-energize me and get myself in gear.

This week, I have no excuses not to work out. (My foot has been hurt - is it possible to get knots in your feet? - all week and I've barely been able to walk, much less run. But it feels much better now.)

Happy Independence Day!

It's the 4th of July and thought I'd take the day off to get my apartment back in order after 2 months of stress, travel, and let's be honest... laziness. Have a great holiday!

I passed!!!!!!

Yep, that's right, I passed.

It feels so good to say that.  Relief.  Ahhh, now I can concentrate on research, research, research for a while...

If I just pretend I'm in school... wait, I am!

Since my candidacy has been looming over my head lately, I've been rethinking my academic career. As a kid, I didn't have to worry about grades and enjoyed school. I studied because I was a nerd and I liked to read. That's pretty much how it was through high school. Yeah, there a couple of nights I'd stay up to work on an assignment, but yet no stress. I studied when I needed to, didn't when I didn't, and I was able to watch some tv at night with no worries. I graduated 6th in my class of almost 700 students and I still remember the counselor telling me, "You are 4th in class right now, not even stressing out. Keep it up and you'll be in top 10, don't even worry about it." I wasn't. I said, "Okay," and did my thing.

College - I'm happy to say was similar. There were more nights that I might stay up to study, but all in all I could handle the stress no problem. I did assignments when they were handed out. I even read ahead sometimes. I wasn't TRYING to ace the exam. I didn't put that pressure on myself. I just knew that there were some subjects that I particularly liked and some that I really didn't. All in all, I did alright and ended up with A's in the classes I wanted A's to begin with.

Now I'm in graduate school. Graduate school has been tough, I'm not going to lie about that. Although I've been stressed, I don't say, "That's it, I'm so tired of studying I'm just gonna watch tv until the test and throw it all away." Yeah, I might get tired of studying, because it feels as though I've had to study so much lately, but I keep doing it. I take a break, play with the dogs, make sure I sleep and I keep doing it. Even with the stress though, I keep reminding myself that I might not know everything during my exams, but I've been working hard and it will show and things will be okay. I don't just give up.

That's what I think I need to do about this whole weight thing. I put so much... I think too much about it. It's hard not to, since I've always been a little bigger, but every time I look back, I think, "Wow, I didn't realize I was kind of cute back then." I always forget that I was never as heavy as I had imagined in my head. It was the stressing out that would get to me, I'd go eat some ice cream, have too much for dinner, drink too much soda. It never dawned on me as a kid that as long as I kept active, 1. the weight would not accumulate and 2. there wasn't that much weight to lose. I was only 20 lbs. heavier than the skinny girls in my elementary. That's it. But I thought I was fat. Now, I'm trying to going back on 28 years of bad habits for not thinking better of myself.

I need to treat this weight thing like school. I need to work out when I need to, eat when I need to, and yeah, I might eat junk food every now and then. I just need to remember that if I eat junk food today, maybe I should work out a little harder later today. If I can't work out today, it's not the end of the world, I'm not going to give up on losing weight, I'll pick it up tomorrow. I'm not going to eat that cookie since I've ruined the rest of the day. I just need to stop stressing about my weight and know that as long as I work out and eat better, my hard work will show.

The countdown continues

It's Saturday. I was finally able to sleep in after going a week waking up at 5:45 AM every morning so I could work on my candidacy stuff before or after Mrs. Mrs. (the hs teacher) came in. I was able to practice my talk yesterday, and by "practice" I mean I presented each slide and my advisor had everyone in the room ask me 30 min. worth of questions. We were in there for almost 3 hours. The good news is that although there was bloodshed yesterday, I'm hoping that Monday there won't be as much with my COMMITTEE. Yep, the group of 4 professors who determine the rest of my Ph.D. career... Wish me luck! I still need to reorganize my slides - my advisor gave me tons of suggestions - and I need to study, and I need to continue practicing my talk.

In other news, I've been very, very bad. I haven't worked out since Tuesday. The stressed-out me finally won and I put working out on hold for a few days. However, I plan on going today, which will make 3 days this week, so I'm not too upset about that. Also, since my candidacy is Monday, I will have no excuses in the I'm stressed part - other than the publication my advisor and I are trying to get out. But that shouldn't be as bad, should it?

Eating-wise? Well, I can't say I've been good in that respect either. I stress I eat out and eat bad stuff. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been doing much with my eating to begin with. At this point, I just want to eat better portions of food. I don't want to stuff my face one night and still be full the next morning. Eating better will come soon, though I do try sometimes. I had salmon, wild rice, and fruit yesterday for lunch. I never eat that, yet it was delicious. But I still try to snack too much and have candy too often. I'll keep trying.

Wasting a little bit of time...

So I'm sitting here, wishing I were working out, trying to work on my candidacy talk (I have to give a 20 min talk for my exam and I'm practicing in front of my advisor and my lab on Friday morning), and realizing that I'm not extremely motivated.

I haven't been completely unproductive - I've read all of the background papers I had mentioned in my original exam proposal.  But somehow, I can't seem to get my slides together for this talk.

Meanwhile, I decided to do a little bit of research on the whole target heart rate.

What is the target heart rate?  I always knew that it had to do with your heart rate as you work out, and I knew that it needed to be in a specific range in order to show that your working out was actually working YOU out.  Numbers though, I had no idea.

I did a general Google search for target heart rate and found 790,000 hits.  Wow.

Okay, so going to general, legit sites, like this give the basic, "50-80 percent of your maximum heart rate."  How do we measure that???  Am I supposed to go crazy on the treadmill and see how high my heart rate goes?  (By the way, don't do that, very, very, bad!)

They have the tables with average maximum heart rates, which decrease as you get older.  I'm 28, so I'm in between the 25-30 range, so I'm going to stick to 30 yr old info just so I don't kill myself.  For me, my target heart rate is 95-162 beats per minute.  Wait a minute, my resting heart rate is 90 - is that bad?  I'm guessing that just shows how unfit I really am.  Reassuringly, I also read on other sites that these numbers can be inaccurate.

In the same page, they give the alternative way to check the difficulty of your workout.  The talking test.  "If you can talk and walk at the same time, you aren't working too hard. If you can sing and maintain your level of effort, you're probably not working hard enough. If you get out of breath quickly, you're probably working too hard — especially if you have to stop and catch your breath."  Hhm, I'm sure the guy next to me really doesn't want to hear me try to sing as I'm running on the treadmill...

So I did another search and found this.  I liked this one better, because it asked for my resting heart rate and gave me something that seemed more reasonable - 151-172 beats per minute.  It's based off of the Karvonen formula which takes into account your resting heart rate to calculate your target heart rate.  This is range I've been trying to stay within.  I'll run and when I walk to rest, I let my heart rate go down to about 150 and then I run again and I repeat.  I feel that I'm doing something "active," but I don't feel as though I'm going to die.  That's basically what I want, right?

It's Wednesday!

How is this week going by so quickly?

Monday night's workout was great.  I stayed on the treadmill for an hour including 5 min for warm up and cool down.  I love the heart rate monitors on the treadmills at the gym.  I've been trying to stay within the cardio range, but I don't really know much about that... I'll do some research and get back to you.  What I've been trying to do is warm up for 5 min walking at an easy pace.  Then I run/jog for a minute and then walk at a decent pace for a minute or two or three.  If I don't feel okay enough, I just walk some more.  I'm trying to get back into running - I used to be able to run a 12 minute mile - not great but if felt really good.  Now, I want to go back to that and some.  I want to get down to at least a 10 minute mile and I eventually want to run a 5K.

I do want to start doing weights again as well.  I burn more calories with cardio, but I need to lift weights so that I burn more calories throughout the day, right?  Well, I know you need both, but I'll probably look into it more.  I think I'll do cardio this week, but I'll start doing weights as well next week - when I don't have to worry about my candidacy anymore! Last night, I worked out again. :)

2 night workouts in a row?  Get out!  I'm enjoying them actually.  Yesterday's workout went about the same as Monday, alternating running and walking.  I got out of work, went home to eat dinner and walk/play with the dogs.  Then I came back to lab to work on my candidacy.  Since I'd brought my workout clothes with me (yay!) I went to the gym on my way home from lab.  I just need to get into the habit of making this workout thing a priority.  It was definitely easier to go to the gym last night, since I had already gone on Monday.  However, the closer I get to my candidacy defense date (Monday, June 30th) the more I start thinking of how I might need to weasel out of workouts.  Let see how the week goes...

I will survive.

This is usually when I mess up. I get stressed out and I let myself cheat. I let myself not workout. I let myself go. I get stressed and I focus on the "important things" and I lose everything I've worked for. Maybe that's why I decided to work out so soon before my candidacy. Well, there is the October wedding I'm in to help...

I have to admit it. I ate terribly last weekend. Sonic just came into town and of course, I had to get some. Sunday, we went to IKEA and then to a restaurant that sold burgers, fries, hot dogs, all that greasy stuff. I ate a lot all weekend. I ate a lot of bad stuff all weekend. But you know what? It's not going to stop me. I normally let a few bad choices throw me off completely and then I just give up. A few years ago, I lost 60 lbs. Huge accomplishment - but I started to write my master's thesis. I stopped caring what I ate. I stopped working out. I stopped making mySELF a priority because I wanted to put my STUFF a priority. I'm not condoning or advocating NOT studying, working, or doing anything just to work out. What I'm saying is I need to reprioritize. Yes, my schooling and work is important, but so is my health. In the long run, more so my health. Okay, maybe I'll opt for an early morning workout, a later workout, split between the two, or even a shorter workout, but I WILL workout nonetheless.

Speaking of which, I'm off to workout! I'll work on my candidacy later tonight.

Yay me!

Yesterday was a long day.

Working with the HS student and teacher has been wearing me down this week. They are in lab 9-3 everyday, and by the time they leave, I have no motivation left to do any of my stuff. Normally, it might not be too terrible, because after a while, I'd eventually get used to it and gain my motivation back. But this week was not a good week to lose my motivation because I have my huge, important candidacy exam to worry about. I tried working on my 20 min. talk, but I have not gotten far at all with it. I'm planning on going into lab today and working on my my talk. I want to have it mostly done so that the rest of the time between now and my exam I can just study. We'll see.

Because yesterday was such a long day, I decided to stay home last night and veg out. Although I'm very proud to report that I worked out last night as well. I worked out on a Friday night! I can honestly say that I've never done that before, and you know what, it felt really good. I might have overdone it a little on Wednesday when I ran, because my left heel was not feeling great. Then again, my shoes may just be old and in need of replacing if I want something to run in. I plan on getting new shoes today because I plan to run a lot more in the upcoming months. So instead of running, I got on the bike for 30 min and walked for 20. Not bad, huh? It felt really good and somehow I'm really liking night workouts.

Every little bit helps

I've been doing alright. I actually worked out Wednesday night. It took a bit of work, but I managed to get myself to the gym and got on the treadmill. I slept really well that night! I didn't get a chance to go today, I wasn't really planning on it, but I'm hoping to go tomorrow and Saturday.

The soda thing seems to be working out so far though. I had a soda on Monday, non-caffeinated. I had a SpriteZero on Tuesday, but since then, I've just have juice, water, milk, or unsweetened tea. I'm happy to report that I am not missing the sodas, but it's week one so far. Surprisingly enough, I'm also not craving sweets as much. The girls in my lab like taking candy breaks and I've managed to cut down on the candy some, though I had some SweetTart candies today.

Portions. Portions. Portions. That's what I have to remember. Going out to eat only reminds me how terrible American portion sizes are. One of my friends is German and he is constantly amazed how some of the guys will eat, eat, and eat, stuff themselves, and eat some more. "Oh, I'm so stuffed! Wait, I still have food left." It's funny to see his reaction, but really, what are we doing to ourselves? I know there have been too many times when I've gone out to eat and I finish my plate despite me not being able to eat another bite. I somehow find room and then later that night I still feel it and I even wake up feeling awful. And I do it again the next time. Well, I'm trying to make efforts to stop. We went to Famous Dave's today for Thursday Wings Night. Several of us from the department will get together on Thursdays for "wings" and go somewhere to eat and vent and just talk about random stuff. Well, I'm figuring out that I need to retrain myself to stop eating when I'm full. Wait, isn't it supposed to be when you're 80% full? I did pretty well today. I didn't finish my meal and actually left half of my meal. We went for frozen custard afterward, and even then I didn't finish my dessert. I didn't even miss the rest of it... this time. I know that it's gonna be a constant battle, to eat what I need and not what I want. I'll just keep working on it.

Friday 5

Thanks to the great people at Friday5.org:

1. What’s too spicy for your tastes? Absolutely nothing. I was born and raised in Texas and I LOVE all things spicy!
   
2. What’s too sweet for your tastes? Really rich desserts, and right now, sodas - that's why I'm trying to give them up.
   
3. What’s too salty for your tastes? Corned beef. Always looks really good, but I can't handle the saltiness.
   
4. What’s too bitter for your tastes? Most cough syrups... but when you need it, you need it!
   
5. What’s too sour for your tastes? Energy drinks... or is that tart? Either way, I can't drink them.
   

So busy - too busy?

Did I mention how busy these next couple of weeks are going to be? As part of the fellowship that pays my salary, I am working with a high school teacher next year to help out in class and learn how to put together lessons and manage a class, etc. Well, this summer, she (Mrs. R) is working with me, doing research, and mostly learning how to use my instrument. She is in lab from 9-3pm, with a break for lunch. This will continue until July 18th. Well, on top of that, I have a high school student, J, who will be working with me 9-3 as well for the rest of the summer and then throughout the school year (not necessarily from 9-3). As a 4th year grad student, I also have to submit and defend a proposal for the research I've done and what I plan to continue doing to finish my Ph.D. Well, I've submitted the proposal and I have a defense date of June 30th that I need to prepare for. Oh yeah, did I mention my advisor also wants to have a paper submitted soon?

Goodness! I'm just ready for this summer to be over, but then, that's what I said about last semester too. I keep coming up with excuses for why it's okay for me not to workout. I tend to like working out in the morning better, but I'm hoping that I get a knack for the night workouts. What's worse, is I end up feeling as though I neglect my dogs by leaving them so much. It's bad enough I keep them in the kitchen all day, now I'm not gonna be home at night either? Hmmm, I'll have to figure something out. Maybe if I start sleeping better I'll be able to get up earlier, so I keep my evenings... I sure hope so.

So, I've made it 2 days without caffeine, though I have sort of been cheating - I've been drinking iced tea. Does that count? I'm not putting sweetener in it and I've had maybe a glass a day. I figured it was a lot less caffeine than any type of coke and at least I'm not leaving caffeine cold turkey. Can you believe I was getting nauseous yesterday? Maybe I was just really hungry, but drinking the tea helped, at least I thought it did.

Anyway, well, I've finally done an official weigh in: 246 lbs. This has to be the heaviest I've ever weighed, EVER. At my height, that puts me at 45% BMI. I'm astounded. Let me say this once and for all: "I. Don't. Want. To. Be. This. Heavy. Again. Ever." I need to stop using my busy-ness as an excuse to not work out. I need to eat better and get myself used to eating more fruits and veggies. I need to cut down on the greasy stuff. I have to.

I'm getting back on track

These last few weeks of traveling have really got me on the wrong path. I've been eating out for most of my meals, not working out, and carelessly spending money left and right.

Well, not anymore.

Today, I paid bills online, and I'm happy to report that I'm early on all of them. Yay! No late payments! I've gotten better about using coupons and saved about $8 bucks on things I bought today. I even had a great surprise waiting for me when I got back from Penn State - a $50 rebate card came from AT&T when I bought my cell phone. Usually, I forget to fill those out and this time, they managed to pay for all but $30 of my groceries. Yeah!

I stocked up on groceries and made sure NOT to buy cokes, candy, or any junk food. I'm planning to start a habit of cooking and packing my lunch everyday. I should not need groceries until my next paycheck on June 30th. What else, oh yeah, I'm going to try to drink a whole lot more water everyday. I've been depending on the caffeine to get me through my day and everyday I need more caffeine to keep up. I've had enough! I'm not stocking cokes at home and I will not buy cokes at school. I will definitely have to watch out since B at work likes to go for a sugar run everyday. She is currently training for a marathon in October and has been running a lot, I'm hardly working out. She's got calories to spare - I don't. So, from now on, I will let myself go with her, but not to purchase anything. I've got stuff in my drawers to hopefully curb some of that - granola bars, peanuts, rice cakes.

Finally, I've got to start working out. This week, I am planning on going to the gym at least 3 times this week. I usually hate going at night, but B talked me into it one of the nights we were at the gym. Sure, I got nasty and sweaty just before bed, but I took a shower (which I have always loved) and had one of the best nights of sleep! Hhhmm, I may have to rethink the night work outs.

Well, this week promises to be a busy one, since both the high school teacher and the high school student that are supposed to be working with me this summer start tomorrow. Now I have to be in lab at a certain time and ready for them everyday. Wish me luck!

No more traveling!

I'm back! No more traveling for me, at least for a while!

I got back from the conference at Penn State yesterday, or shall I say this morning at 1:30 am. We had planned to leave State College just after a simple lunch, in order to get back in town around 10 pm. Instead, we were invited by some big names in my field of science to go to lunch. How do you turn that down? Say you are an English major in school and William Shakespeare says, "Hey, let's have lunch?" You say when and where and no questions asked.

That's how we found ourselves at lunch, surrounded by genius people. That's how you make connections and that's how you find yourself with an open invitation to visit their labs. It was amazing to see how young they were, and especially how down to earth they could be. One mentioned how he knew nothing about football when he started undergrad and had actually insulted his lab TA by congratulating him on the fact their school had managed to score a touchdown against the #1 team, rather than offer his sympathies for the school losing the national title. It was amazing and that lunch alone made this conference worthwhile.

Now, I'm back in town and totally off track on EVERYTHING:

1. I have a huge oral exam coming up at the end of the month, which requires me to know everything about my research project and future plans. This weekend will probably be devoted to putting a talk together and reading, reading, and more reading of textbooks, articles, and anything that will help me not fail.

2. I have been eating terribly for the last 3 weeks, more so than I usually do, since I eat out at every new city I go to, and I've run out of groceries at home. I need to to go buy healthy groceries and stop eating junk and drinking cokes.

3. I have been spending money left and right for travel, for gifts, and especially for this last conference. I need to catch up on my bills and hope that I haven't completely trashed my credit, not that it was that great anyway.

4. I have to spoil my dogs. Poor things, they have been so excited to see me home each time, only to find out that I am leaving again. Not this time! I'm here for good, at least for a couple of months before I have to leave them again.

5. I have to clean my apartment. As much as I may love my friends for watching my dogs - they are alive afterall - I have to admit that my apartment has never stunk more. Rather than leave them locked up 24/7, I chose to leave them out at nights. Yes, this means they sometimes make messes in the apartment, but I already owe my complex new carpeting. Well, I've got the gear to clean up their messes, which really does reduce the messes that come, but my friends aren't as dedicated - I mean, they are free, so I can't complain. Either way, this weekend definitely serves to clean the carpets, do dishes, laundry, the works.

It's a start!

The last couple of weeks have been especially hectic for me. I've been out of town more days than have been in town, having gone to two separate weddings each weekend. The first was a friend's wedding, whose reception was held next door to the governor's mansion (in Minnesota). The second was my brother's wedding, back in Texas. It was a simple JP wedding, which turned out quite nice and relatively drama-free. I came back, was home for two days which allowed me to work on a huge paper for grad school, get a poster together for a conference, and now, here I am, in Pennsylvania for the conference.

I feel like I haven't slept in the last three weeks, which is almost the truth. I've been pulling too many late nights with early risings and I am just ready to sleep in! Fortunately, this conference only lasts until Friday and I should be home and travel-free for the next couple of months at least.

Well, one of the nice things about going back home, besides the real summer weather (it was 107 when I was there!) was the fact that I was able to get this cold completely out of my system. Last month, I thought I'd make an effort in getting more physically active and started to work out. I worked my way up to 3-4 workouts a week, just cardio, so I could get my endurance up. I really enjoy the treadmill - I know, it's not something you hear everyday, but I love the fact that it will force me to keep the same pace if I set it that way. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had been working out and in the crazy weather that is Indiana, I got chilled and hence I got sick. Stupid cold stayed with me for weeks, and in th end, I was left with some minor congestion that mostly only made working out difficult. I would get winded walking to the car! I know I'm heavy, but come on!

Anyway, going to Texas and enjoying the west Texas heat helped clear me out and I've been congestion-free ever since. Yay!

Well, we are here at Penn State, staying at a nice hotel near campus and I am proud to say I've gotten back on the workout wagon! Last night, MB, who is training for a marathon, talked me into working out with her. It was surprisingly fun and I felt really good, especially after the greasy, fried meal I had for dinner. I didn't do much, mostly walk with a few stints of running, but it was definitely better than sitting on my butt watching tv. :)

I've got to start trying

As many ways as there are that I can better myself, I can only really think of one that I need to start with - my weight.

I've always been chubby, heavy, whatever you want to call it. As a kid growing up to school, I was always a little bigger than the rest of the girls by about 20 pounds. I was a tomboy, always playing kickball with the boys and running around the playground with them. Looking back now, I wonder why I never realized that I was going to be ok, but instead I found solace in eating more, watching tv and becoming less and less active. My weight just ballooned through junior high and high school and finally college. I let my angst, my worries, and my low self-esteem take over, even though I appeared to be the smart, funny, "chubby" girl. Relationships with guys had always been platonic. I was the good friend the guys always confided in. I probably learned more about the ways guys think through those years than I could have dating, but I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever put that knowledge to use. I was in my 20s and untouched.

I finally went to graduate school far away from home determined to make a new "me" in a new place. I would no longer be the dingbat, who always seemed to say the wrong things all the time. A year would pass and I would realize what an obstacle my weight had been all my life. I had liked my best guy friend for several years, only to have been turned down early on. We remained friends, because that is what I did, I forgave and let go. I never stopped liking him, and always hoped he would see the light. Grad school was a gift; it forced him to see how life would be without me and he didn't like it. He was able to see past my weight and see me for the person who tried to help him at any given notice. He knew I would listen, knew I had loved him all these years, and finally let himself love me. His love was what my soul needed. Though I hate that I wasn't able to do it on my own, I finally realized that I was lovable, sexy, and wanted.

Being with him made it easy to start working out and eating better. I wanted more of his affection, his attention, and his praise. I wanted him to get more excited every time he saw me. He was always so good to me and now, I realize that he always loved me for me and his increasing love didn't stem from my looks but my heart. He fell in love with me and saw me for beautiful from day one.

Now, more than a year and a half from when he passed away, I am here in graduate school almost unable to get healthy for myself. I want to, trust me. I am at my heaviest ever. 242 pounds on a 5'2" frame is ridiculous. I am considered obese, and even saying that out loud is terrifying. I feel the effects of being this heavy in more ways than I want to explain. I hate buying clothes. I hate the way I look in everything I wear. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep well. I need to do this more for myself than ever and I still waver.

Well, I've finally decided that this is the time to put myself first. I know I can lose weight, I've done it before. I know what works. I just have to do it.

Day One

A new blog! I love the idea of a new blog. I've been traveling all day (went home for a few days) and this blog sort of popped into my head. During liftoff, I kept wording different posts, ideas I wanted to explore.

A little about myself:
I'm currently a student again, working on my Ph.D. Two years ago, I had left school with a Master's to live with my boyfriend. We got engaged and within 5 months he had passed away from weird complications from a common infection. Call it bad luck, karma, or God trying to punish us for living together before we were married... I call it life. My mom passed away the summer before my senior year in high school, and I had to take care of my little sister. Any ideas of going off to college went down the drain and I stayed in town to go to the little 4 year university. Do I regret it? No way! I think I had a great education, where the faculty knew us by name and still do to this day. I graduated 6 years ago and I can still pop in and say hello and chit chat. So, when my fiance passed away, I did what I had done before, I kept myself busy. I was working 2 full-time jobs and hardly had time to sleep. The time I did spend at home was taken up my dog, who had gotten pregnant while friends were watching her during the whole ordeal. To stay busy, I decided to go back to graduate school and finish my degree. Am I angry? A little. I was supposed to be married by now. We had just set a date a couple of weeks prior to his passing. Have I gotten over it? Not really. I can honestly say that I am "happy" at times. But the sadness seems to creep up on me on random days and it's hard to shake sometime.

Well, it has suddenly dawned on me that I'm 28 and well on my way to 30. 30 is my scary age right now. I always imagined that at 30 I would be thin, pretty, successful, married, with 2 kids, the whole white picket fence fantasy. 30 was when my life was going to magically fall into place. Instead, I'm overweight, still in school, in debt, single, no kids, living in an apartment with my dogs. Nothing I planned has panned out, and yet, it's the things that I DON'T plan that seem to work out the best. I never imagined I'd go away to graduate school, I had planned on staying in the area to go to school, but I got an application in the mail to my fantasy school and within a week I was accepted to go. I had liked my fiance since high school and it was when I had finally given up on him that he sent me a letter telling me he had feelings for me.

So, now what? Well, I am making the decision to better myself. I could stand to lose at least 100 pounds. I need to organize my finances and pay off my debt. I want to finish my degree and find a good job. And finally, I need to get to a place where dating someone else isn't so scary anymore.

This is my journey.