I've got to start trying

As many ways as there are that I can better myself, I can only really think of one that I need to start with - my weight.

I've always been chubby, heavy, whatever you want to call it. As a kid growing up to school, I was always a little bigger than the rest of the girls by about 20 pounds. I was a tomboy, always playing kickball with the boys and running around the playground with them. Looking back now, I wonder why I never realized that I was going to be ok, but instead I found solace in eating more, watching tv and becoming less and less active. My weight just ballooned through junior high and high school and finally college. I let my angst, my worries, and my low self-esteem take over, even though I appeared to be the smart, funny, "chubby" girl. Relationships with guys had always been platonic. I was the good friend the guys always confided in. I probably learned more about the ways guys think through those years than I could have dating, but I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever put that knowledge to use. I was in my 20s and untouched.

I finally went to graduate school far away from home determined to make a new "me" in a new place. I would no longer be the dingbat, who always seemed to say the wrong things all the time. A year would pass and I would realize what an obstacle my weight had been all my life. I had liked my best guy friend for several years, only to have been turned down early on. We remained friends, because that is what I did, I forgave and let go. I never stopped liking him, and always hoped he would see the light. Grad school was a gift; it forced him to see how life would be without me and he didn't like it. He was able to see past my weight and see me for the person who tried to help him at any given notice. He knew I would listen, knew I had loved him all these years, and finally let himself love me. His love was what my soul needed. Though I hate that I wasn't able to do it on my own, I finally realized that I was lovable, sexy, and wanted.

Being with him made it easy to start working out and eating better. I wanted more of his affection, his attention, and his praise. I wanted him to get more excited every time he saw me. He was always so good to me and now, I realize that he always loved me for me and his increasing love didn't stem from my looks but my heart. He fell in love with me and saw me for beautiful from day one.

Now, more than a year and a half from when he passed away, I am here in graduate school almost unable to get healthy for myself. I want to, trust me. I am at my heaviest ever. 242 pounds on a 5'2" frame is ridiculous. I am considered obese, and even saying that out loud is terrifying. I feel the effects of being this heavy in more ways than I want to explain. I hate buying clothes. I hate the way I look in everything I wear. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep well. I need to do this more for myself than ever and I still waver.

Well, I've finally decided that this is the time to put myself first. I know I can lose weight, I've done it before. I know what works. I just have to do it.