If I just pretend I'm in school... wait, I am!

Since my candidacy has been looming over my head lately, I've been rethinking my academic career. As a kid, I didn't have to worry about grades and enjoyed school. I studied because I was a nerd and I liked to read. That's pretty much how it was through high school. Yeah, there a couple of nights I'd stay up to work on an assignment, but yet no stress. I studied when I needed to, didn't when I didn't, and I was able to watch some tv at night with no worries. I graduated 6th in my class of almost 700 students and I still remember the counselor telling me, "You are 4th in class right now, not even stressing out. Keep it up and you'll be in top 10, don't even worry about it." I wasn't. I said, "Okay," and did my thing.

College - I'm happy to say was similar. There were more nights that I might stay up to study, but all in all I could handle the stress no problem. I did assignments when they were handed out. I even read ahead sometimes. I wasn't TRYING to ace the exam. I didn't put that pressure on myself. I just knew that there were some subjects that I particularly liked and some that I really didn't. All in all, I did alright and ended up with A's in the classes I wanted A's to begin with.

Now I'm in graduate school. Graduate school has been tough, I'm not going to lie about that. Although I've been stressed, I don't say, "That's it, I'm so tired of studying I'm just gonna watch tv until the test and throw it all away." Yeah, I might get tired of studying, because it feels as though I've had to study so much lately, but I keep doing it. I take a break, play with the dogs, make sure I sleep and I keep doing it. Even with the stress though, I keep reminding myself that I might not know everything during my exams, but I've been working hard and it will show and things will be okay. I don't just give up.

That's what I think I need to do about this whole weight thing. I put so much... I think too much about it. It's hard not to, since I've always been a little bigger, but every time I look back, I think, "Wow, I didn't realize I was kind of cute back then." I always forget that I was never as heavy as I had imagined in my head. It was the stressing out that would get to me, I'd go eat some ice cream, have too much for dinner, drink too much soda. It never dawned on me as a kid that as long as I kept active, 1. the weight would not accumulate and 2. there wasn't that much weight to lose. I was only 20 lbs. heavier than the skinny girls in my elementary. That's it. But I thought I was fat. Now, I'm trying to going back on 28 years of bad habits for not thinking better of myself.

I need to treat this weight thing like school. I need to work out when I need to, eat when I need to, and yeah, I might eat junk food every now and then. I just need to remember that if I eat junk food today, maybe I should work out a little harder later today. If I can't work out today, it's not the end of the world, I'm not going to give up on losing weight, I'll pick it up tomorrow. I'm not going to eat that cookie since I've ruined the rest of the day. I just need to stop stressing about my weight and know that as long as I work out and eat better, my hard work will show.

The countdown continues

It's Saturday. I was finally able to sleep in after going a week waking up at 5:45 AM every morning so I could work on my candidacy stuff before or after Mrs. Mrs. (the hs teacher) came in. I was able to practice my talk yesterday, and by "practice" I mean I presented each slide and my advisor had everyone in the room ask me 30 min. worth of questions. We were in there for almost 3 hours. The good news is that although there was bloodshed yesterday, I'm hoping that Monday there won't be as much with my COMMITTEE. Yep, the group of 4 professors who determine the rest of my Ph.D. career... Wish me luck! I still need to reorganize my slides - my advisor gave me tons of suggestions - and I need to study, and I need to continue practicing my talk.

In other news, I've been very, very bad. I haven't worked out since Tuesday. The stressed-out me finally won and I put working out on hold for a few days. However, I plan on going today, which will make 3 days this week, so I'm not too upset about that. Also, since my candidacy is Monday, I will have no excuses in the I'm stressed part - other than the publication my advisor and I are trying to get out. But that shouldn't be as bad, should it?

Eating-wise? Well, I can't say I've been good in that respect either. I stress I eat out and eat bad stuff. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been doing much with my eating to begin with. At this point, I just want to eat better portions of food. I don't want to stuff my face one night and still be full the next morning. Eating better will come soon, though I do try sometimes. I had salmon, wild rice, and fruit yesterday for lunch. I never eat that, yet it was delicious. But I still try to snack too much and have candy too often. I'll keep trying.

Wasting a little bit of time...

So I'm sitting here, wishing I were working out, trying to work on my candidacy talk (I have to give a 20 min talk for my exam and I'm practicing in front of my advisor and my lab on Friday morning), and realizing that I'm not extremely motivated.

I haven't been completely unproductive - I've read all of the background papers I had mentioned in my original exam proposal.  But somehow, I can't seem to get my slides together for this talk.

Meanwhile, I decided to do a little bit of research on the whole target heart rate.

What is the target heart rate?  I always knew that it had to do with your heart rate as you work out, and I knew that it needed to be in a specific range in order to show that your working out was actually working YOU out.  Numbers though, I had no idea.

I did a general Google search for target heart rate and found 790,000 hits.  Wow.

Okay, so going to general, legit sites, like this give the basic, "50-80 percent of your maximum heart rate."  How do we measure that???  Am I supposed to go crazy on the treadmill and see how high my heart rate goes?  (By the way, don't do that, very, very, bad!)

They have the tables with average maximum heart rates, which decrease as you get older.  I'm 28, so I'm in between the 25-30 range, so I'm going to stick to 30 yr old info just so I don't kill myself.  For me, my target heart rate is 95-162 beats per minute.  Wait a minute, my resting heart rate is 90 - is that bad?  I'm guessing that just shows how unfit I really am.  Reassuringly, I also read on other sites that these numbers can be inaccurate.

In the same page, they give the alternative way to check the difficulty of your workout.  The talking test.  "If you can talk and walk at the same time, you aren't working too hard. If you can sing and maintain your level of effort, you're probably not working hard enough. If you get out of breath quickly, you're probably working too hard — especially if you have to stop and catch your breath."  Hhm, I'm sure the guy next to me really doesn't want to hear me try to sing as I'm running on the treadmill...

So I did another search and found this.  I liked this one better, because it asked for my resting heart rate and gave me something that seemed more reasonable - 151-172 beats per minute.  It's based off of the Karvonen formula which takes into account your resting heart rate to calculate your target heart rate.  This is range I've been trying to stay within.  I'll run and when I walk to rest, I let my heart rate go down to about 150 and then I run again and I repeat.  I feel that I'm doing something "active," but I don't feel as though I'm going to die.  That's basically what I want, right?

It's Wednesday!

How is this week going by so quickly?

Monday night's workout was great.  I stayed on the treadmill for an hour including 5 min for warm up and cool down.  I love the heart rate monitors on the treadmills at the gym.  I've been trying to stay within the cardio range, but I don't really know much about that... I'll do some research and get back to you.  What I've been trying to do is warm up for 5 min walking at an easy pace.  Then I run/jog for a minute and then walk at a decent pace for a minute or two or three.  If I don't feel okay enough, I just walk some more.  I'm trying to get back into running - I used to be able to run a 12 minute mile - not great but if felt really good.  Now, I want to go back to that and some.  I want to get down to at least a 10 minute mile and I eventually want to run a 5K.

I do want to start doing weights again as well.  I burn more calories with cardio, but I need to lift weights so that I burn more calories throughout the day, right?  Well, I know you need both, but I'll probably look into it more.  I think I'll do cardio this week, but I'll start doing weights as well next week - when I don't have to worry about my candidacy anymore! Last night, I worked out again. :)

2 night workouts in a row?  Get out!  I'm enjoying them actually.  Yesterday's workout went about the same as Monday, alternating running and walking.  I got out of work, went home to eat dinner and walk/play with the dogs.  Then I came back to lab to work on my candidacy.  Since I'd brought my workout clothes with me (yay!) I went to the gym on my way home from lab.  I just need to get into the habit of making this workout thing a priority.  It was definitely easier to go to the gym last night, since I had already gone on Monday.  However, the closer I get to my candidacy defense date (Monday, June 30th) the more I start thinking of how I might need to weasel out of workouts.  Let see how the week goes...

I will survive.

This is usually when I mess up. I get stressed out and I let myself cheat. I let myself not workout. I let myself go. I get stressed and I focus on the "important things" and I lose everything I've worked for. Maybe that's why I decided to work out so soon before my candidacy. Well, there is the October wedding I'm in to help...

I have to admit it. I ate terribly last weekend. Sonic just came into town and of course, I had to get some. Sunday, we went to IKEA and then to a restaurant that sold burgers, fries, hot dogs, all that greasy stuff. I ate a lot all weekend. I ate a lot of bad stuff all weekend. But you know what? It's not going to stop me. I normally let a few bad choices throw me off completely and then I just give up. A few years ago, I lost 60 lbs. Huge accomplishment - but I started to write my master's thesis. I stopped caring what I ate. I stopped working out. I stopped making mySELF a priority because I wanted to put my STUFF a priority. I'm not condoning or advocating NOT studying, working, or doing anything just to work out. What I'm saying is I need to reprioritize. Yes, my schooling and work is important, but so is my health. In the long run, more so my health. Okay, maybe I'll opt for an early morning workout, a later workout, split between the two, or even a shorter workout, but I WILL workout nonetheless.

Speaking of which, I'm off to workout! I'll work on my candidacy later tonight.

Yay me!

Yesterday was a long day.

Working with the HS student and teacher has been wearing me down this week. They are in lab 9-3 everyday, and by the time they leave, I have no motivation left to do any of my stuff. Normally, it might not be too terrible, because after a while, I'd eventually get used to it and gain my motivation back. But this week was not a good week to lose my motivation because I have my huge, important candidacy exam to worry about. I tried working on my 20 min. talk, but I have not gotten far at all with it. I'm planning on going into lab today and working on my my talk. I want to have it mostly done so that the rest of the time between now and my exam I can just study. We'll see.

Because yesterday was such a long day, I decided to stay home last night and veg out. Although I'm very proud to report that I worked out last night as well. I worked out on a Friday night! I can honestly say that I've never done that before, and you know what, it felt really good. I might have overdone it a little on Wednesday when I ran, because my left heel was not feeling great. Then again, my shoes may just be old and in need of replacing if I want something to run in. I plan on getting new shoes today because I plan to run a lot more in the upcoming months. So instead of running, I got on the bike for 30 min and walked for 20. Not bad, huh? It felt really good and somehow I'm really liking night workouts.

Every little bit helps

I've been doing alright. I actually worked out Wednesday night. It took a bit of work, but I managed to get myself to the gym and got on the treadmill. I slept really well that night! I didn't get a chance to go today, I wasn't really planning on it, but I'm hoping to go tomorrow and Saturday.

The soda thing seems to be working out so far though. I had a soda on Monday, non-caffeinated. I had a SpriteZero on Tuesday, but since then, I've just have juice, water, milk, or unsweetened tea. I'm happy to report that I am not missing the sodas, but it's week one so far. Surprisingly enough, I'm also not craving sweets as much. The girls in my lab like taking candy breaks and I've managed to cut down on the candy some, though I had some SweetTart candies today.

Portions. Portions. Portions. That's what I have to remember. Going out to eat only reminds me how terrible American portion sizes are. One of my friends is German and he is constantly amazed how some of the guys will eat, eat, and eat, stuff themselves, and eat some more. "Oh, I'm so stuffed! Wait, I still have food left." It's funny to see his reaction, but really, what are we doing to ourselves? I know there have been too many times when I've gone out to eat and I finish my plate despite me not being able to eat another bite. I somehow find room and then later that night I still feel it and I even wake up feeling awful. And I do it again the next time. Well, I'm trying to make efforts to stop. We went to Famous Dave's today for Thursday Wings Night. Several of us from the department will get together on Thursdays for "wings" and go somewhere to eat and vent and just talk about random stuff. Well, I'm figuring out that I need to retrain myself to stop eating when I'm full. Wait, isn't it supposed to be when you're 80% full? I did pretty well today. I didn't finish my meal and actually left half of my meal. We went for frozen custard afterward, and even then I didn't finish my dessert. I didn't even miss the rest of it... this time. I know that it's gonna be a constant battle, to eat what I need and not what I want. I'll just keep working on it.

Friday 5

Thanks to the great people at Friday5.org:

1. What’s too spicy for your tastes? Absolutely nothing. I was born and raised in Texas and I LOVE all things spicy!
   
2. What’s too sweet for your tastes? Really rich desserts, and right now, sodas - that's why I'm trying to give them up.
   
3. What’s too salty for your tastes? Corned beef. Always looks really good, but I can't handle the saltiness.
   
4. What’s too bitter for your tastes? Most cough syrups... but when you need it, you need it!
   
5. What’s too sour for your tastes? Energy drinks... or is that tart? Either way, I can't drink them.
   

So busy - too busy?

Did I mention how busy these next couple of weeks are going to be? As part of the fellowship that pays my salary, I am working with a high school teacher next year to help out in class and learn how to put together lessons and manage a class, etc. Well, this summer, she (Mrs. R) is working with me, doing research, and mostly learning how to use my instrument. She is in lab from 9-3pm, with a break for lunch. This will continue until July 18th. Well, on top of that, I have a high school student, J, who will be working with me 9-3 as well for the rest of the summer and then throughout the school year (not necessarily from 9-3). As a 4th year grad student, I also have to submit and defend a proposal for the research I've done and what I plan to continue doing to finish my Ph.D. Well, I've submitted the proposal and I have a defense date of June 30th that I need to prepare for. Oh yeah, did I mention my advisor also wants to have a paper submitted soon?

Goodness! I'm just ready for this summer to be over, but then, that's what I said about last semester too. I keep coming up with excuses for why it's okay for me not to workout. I tend to like working out in the morning better, but I'm hoping that I get a knack for the night workouts. What's worse, is I end up feeling as though I neglect my dogs by leaving them so much. It's bad enough I keep them in the kitchen all day, now I'm not gonna be home at night either? Hmmm, I'll have to figure something out. Maybe if I start sleeping better I'll be able to get up earlier, so I keep my evenings... I sure hope so.

So, I've made it 2 days without caffeine, though I have sort of been cheating - I've been drinking iced tea. Does that count? I'm not putting sweetener in it and I've had maybe a glass a day. I figured it was a lot less caffeine than any type of coke and at least I'm not leaving caffeine cold turkey. Can you believe I was getting nauseous yesterday? Maybe I was just really hungry, but drinking the tea helped, at least I thought it did.

Anyway, well, I've finally done an official weigh in: 246 lbs. This has to be the heaviest I've ever weighed, EVER. At my height, that puts me at 45% BMI. I'm astounded. Let me say this once and for all: "I. Don't. Want. To. Be. This. Heavy. Again. Ever." I need to stop using my busy-ness as an excuse to not work out. I need to eat better and get myself used to eating more fruits and veggies. I need to cut down on the greasy stuff. I have to.

I'm getting back on track

These last few weeks of traveling have really got me on the wrong path. I've been eating out for most of my meals, not working out, and carelessly spending money left and right.

Well, not anymore.

Today, I paid bills online, and I'm happy to report that I'm early on all of them. Yay! No late payments! I've gotten better about using coupons and saved about $8 bucks on things I bought today. I even had a great surprise waiting for me when I got back from Penn State - a $50 rebate card came from AT&T when I bought my cell phone. Usually, I forget to fill those out and this time, they managed to pay for all but $30 of my groceries. Yeah!

I stocked up on groceries and made sure NOT to buy cokes, candy, or any junk food. I'm planning to start a habit of cooking and packing my lunch everyday. I should not need groceries until my next paycheck on June 30th. What else, oh yeah, I'm going to try to drink a whole lot more water everyday. I've been depending on the caffeine to get me through my day and everyday I need more caffeine to keep up. I've had enough! I'm not stocking cokes at home and I will not buy cokes at school. I will definitely have to watch out since B at work likes to go for a sugar run everyday. She is currently training for a marathon in October and has been running a lot, I'm hardly working out. She's got calories to spare - I don't. So, from now on, I will let myself go with her, but not to purchase anything. I've got stuff in my drawers to hopefully curb some of that - granola bars, peanuts, rice cakes.

Finally, I've got to start working out. This week, I am planning on going to the gym at least 3 times this week. I usually hate going at night, but B talked me into it one of the nights we were at the gym. Sure, I got nasty and sweaty just before bed, but I took a shower (which I have always loved) and had one of the best nights of sleep! Hhhmm, I may have to rethink the night work outs.

Well, this week promises to be a busy one, since both the high school teacher and the high school student that are supposed to be working with me this summer start tomorrow. Now I have to be in lab at a certain time and ready for them everyday. Wish me luck!

No more traveling!

I'm back! No more traveling for me, at least for a while!

I got back from the conference at Penn State yesterday, or shall I say this morning at 1:30 am. We had planned to leave State College just after a simple lunch, in order to get back in town around 10 pm. Instead, we were invited by some big names in my field of science to go to lunch. How do you turn that down? Say you are an English major in school and William Shakespeare says, "Hey, let's have lunch?" You say when and where and no questions asked.

That's how we found ourselves at lunch, surrounded by genius people. That's how you make connections and that's how you find yourself with an open invitation to visit their labs. It was amazing to see how young they were, and especially how down to earth they could be. One mentioned how he knew nothing about football when he started undergrad and had actually insulted his lab TA by congratulating him on the fact their school had managed to score a touchdown against the #1 team, rather than offer his sympathies for the school losing the national title. It was amazing and that lunch alone made this conference worthwhile.

Now, I'm back in town and totally off track on EVERYTHING:

1. I have a huge oral exam coming up at the end of the month, which requires me to know everything about my research project and future plans. This weekend will probably be devoted to putting a talk together and reading, reading, and more reading of textbooks, articles, and anything that will help me not fail.

2. I have been eating terribly for the last 3 weeks, more so than I usually do, since I eat out at every new city I go to, and I've run out of groceries at home. I need to to go buy healthy groceries and stop eating junk and drinking cokes.

3. I have been spending money left and right for travel, for gifts, and especially for this last conference. I need to catch up on my bills and hope that I haven't completely trashed my credit, not that it was that great anyway.

4. I have to spoil my dogs. Poor things, they have been so excited to see me home each time, only to find out that I am leaving again. Not this time! I'm here for good, at least for a couple of months before I have to leave them again.

5. I have to clean my apartment. As much as I may love my friends for watching my dogs - they are alive afterall - I have to admit that my apartment has never stunk more. Rather than leave them locked up 24/7, I chose to leave them out at nights. Yes, this means they sometimes make messes in the apartment, but I already owe my complex new carpeting. Well, I've got the gear to clean up their messes, which really does reduce the messes that come, but my friends aren't as dedicated - I mean, they are free, so I can't complain. Either way, this weekend definitely serves to clean the carpets, do dishes, laundry, the works.

It's a start!

The last couple of weeks have been especially hectic for me. I've been out of town more days than have been in town, having gone to two separate weddings each weekend. The first was a friend's wedding, whose reception was held next door to the governor's mansion (in Minnesota). The second was my brother's wedding, back in Texas. It was a simple JP wedding, which turned out quite nice and relatively drama-free. I came back, was home for two days which allowed me to work on a huge paper for grad school, get a poster together for a conference, and now, here I am, in Pennsylvania for the conference.

I feel like I haven't slept in the last three weeks, which is almost the truth. I've been pulling too many late nights with early risings and I am just ready to sleep in! Fortunately, this conference only lasts until Friday and I should be home and travel-free for the next couple of months at least.

Well, one of the nice things about going back home, besides the real summer weather (it was 107 when I was there!) was the fact that I was able to get this cold completely out of my system. Last month, I thought I'd make an effort in getting more physically active and started to work out. I worked my way up to 3-4 workouts a week, just cardio, so I could get my endurance up. I really enjoy the treadmill - I know, it's not something you hear everyday, but I love the fact that it will force me to keep the same pace if I set it that way. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had been working out and in the crazy weather that is Indiana, I got chilled and hence I got sick. Stupid cold stayed with me for weeks, and in th end, I was left with some minor congestion that mostly only made working out difficult. I would get winded walking to the car! I know I'm heavy, but come on!

Anyway, going to Texas and enjoying the west Texas heat helped clear me out and I've been congestion-free ever since. Yay!

Well, we are here at Penn State, staying at a nice hotel near campus and I am proud to say I've gotten back on the workout wagon! Last night, MB, who is training for a marathon, talked me into working out with her. It was surprisingly fun and I felt really good, especially after the greasy, fried meal I had for dinner. I didn't do much, mostly walk with a few stints of running, but it was definitely better than sitting on my butt watching tv. :)

I've got to start trying

As many ways as there are that I can better myself, I can only really think of one that I need to start with - my weight.

I've always been chubby, heavy, whatever you want to call it. As a kid growing up to school, I was always a little bigger than the rest of the girls by about 20 pounds. I was a tomboy, always playing kickball with the boys and running around the playground with them. Looking back now, I wonder why I never realized that I was going to be ok, but instead I found solace in eating more, watching tv and becoming less and less active. My weight just ballooned through junior high and high school and finally college. I let my angst, my worries, and my low self-esteem take over, even though I appeared to be the smart, funny, "chubby" girl. Relationships with guys had always been platonic. I was the good friend the guys always confided in. I probably learned more about the ways guys think through those years than I could have dating, but I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever put that knowledge to use. I was in my 20s and untouched.

I finally went to graduate school far away from home determined to make a new "me" in a new place. I would no longer be the dingbat, who always seemed to say the wrong things all the time. A year would pass and I would realize what an obstacle my weight had been all my life. I had liked my best guy friend for several years, only to have been turned down early on. We remained friends, because that is what I did, I forgave and let go. I never stopped liking him, and always hoped he would see the light. Grad school was a gift; it forced him to see how life would be without me and he didn't like it. He was able to see past my weight and see me for the person who tried to help him at any given notice. He knew I would listen, knew I had loved him all these years, and finally let himself love me. His love was what my soul needed. Though I hate that I wasn't able to do it on my own, I finally realized that I was lovable, sexy, and wanted.

Being with him made it easy to start working out and eating better. I wanted more of his affection, his attention, and his praise. I wanted him to get more excited every time he saw me. He was always so good to me and now, I realize that he always loved me for me and his increasing love didn't stem from my looks but my heart. He fell in love with me and saw me for beautiful from day one.

Now, more than a year and a half from when he passed away, I am here in graduate school almost unable to get healthy for myself. I want to, trust me. I am at my heaviest ever. 242 pounds on a 5'2" frame is ridiculous. I am considered obese, and even saying that out loud is terrifying. I feel the effects of being this heavy in more ways than I want to explain. I hate buying clothes. I hate the way I look in everything I wear. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep well. I need to do this more for myself than ever and I still waver.

Well, I've finally decided that this is the time to put myself first. I know I can lose weight, I've done it before. I know what works. I just have to do it.

Day One

A new blog! I love the idea of a new blog. I've been traveling all day (went home for a few days) and this blog sort of popped into my head. During liftoff, I kept wording different posts, ideas I wanted to explore.

A little about myself:
I'm currently a student again, working on my Ph.D. Two years ago, I had left school with a Master's to live with my boyfriend. We got engaged and within 5 months he had passed away from weird complications from a common infection. Call it bad luck, karma, or God trying to punish us for living together before we were married... I call it life. My mom passed away the summer before my senior year in high school, and I had to take care of my little sister. Any ideas of going off to college went down the drain and I stayed in town to go to the little 4 year university. Do I regret it? No way! I think I had a great education, where the faculty knew us by name and still do to this day. I graduated 6 years ago and I can still pop in and say hello and chit chat. So, when my fiance passed away, I did what I had done before, I kept myself busy. I was working 2 full-time jobs and hardly had time to sleep. The time I did spend at home was taken up my dog, who had gotten pregnant while friends were watching her during the whole ordeal. To stay busy, I decided to go back to graduate school and finish my degree. Am I angry? A little. I was supposed to be married by now. We had just set a date a couple of weeks prior to his passing. Have I gotten over it? Not really. I can honestly say that I am "happy" at times. But the sadness seems to creep up on me on random days and it's hard to shake sometime.

Well, it has suddenly dawned on me that I'm 28 and well on my way to 30. 30 is my scary age right now. I always imagined that at 30 I would be thin, pretty, successful, married, with 2 kids, the whole white picket fence fantasy. 30 was when my life was going to magically fall into place. Instead, I'm overweight, still in school, in debt, single, no kids, living in an apartment with my dogs. Nothing I planned has panned out, and yet, it's the things that I DON'T plan that seem to work out the best. I never imagined I'd go away to graduate school, I had planned on staying in the area to go to school, but I got an application in the mail to my fantasy school and within a week I was accepted to go. I had liked my fiance since high school and it was when I had finally given up on him that he sent me a letter telling me he had feelings for me.

So, now what? Well, I am making the decision to better myself. I could stand to lose at least 100 pounds. I need to organize my finances and pay off my debt. I want to finish my degree and find a good job. And finally, I need to get to a place where dating someone else isn't so scary anymore.

This is my journey.